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25th April 2006

10:23pm: packed mostly
just wrote a private entry, but wanted to write a non private one too... well theres nothing to say, except that have packed most things... sorted most things out... done no revision today and thats ok i think... will have time tomorrow at airport and on plane. bye 4 now...

24th April 2006

7:11pm: sambalele
tired, but today was ok at the kindergarten. i didnt manage to get all the chldren to work with me who i invited, but some did and so that was ok. circle time was ok, think my being very strict at the end of last week (well we only had 3 days of it but anwyay) kind of helped, but mostly, they enjoyed the story that i acted out with objects... was about a naughty monkey and was a story from brazil, (we are talking about south america...) its good cause theres a song about it on one of the cds and so we could follow up the story with the song/dance

revising here and there, cause tired and keep losing concentration, so going to shower now and try and do some after. also keep stuffing my face all the time, which is not good...

23rd April 2006

10:03pm: cinema
im so tired, not quite sure... have not been up late and not really excerting myself. Got back from the cinema and dinner. Was good 'Walk the Line' and yeah was ok with boss and family, but my mind is still playing on what to do....
5:10pm: cinema
now im going to the cinema with my boss and family! Theres me saying I was not sure even about phoning to talk about my revision. Anyway, she said they were going to see 'walk the line' and i have wanted to see that for ages, and somehow never worked out and so i basically invited myself. i then realised that they were all going. (the family) but nevermind... I want to see it and felt a bit better about my revision after having tested some of the things by telling her. There are of course lots more things i could revise, but i want to go to the cinema!!!!
1:44pm: p.s.
p.s i also know i should live for the present in a sense, like what i want to do now, but then of course you should think of the future, because otherwise that would be sensless, but then to what extent... or where do you combine the 2 things...

p.p.s there was something else i wanted to say, but ive forgotten it already!!!
12:09pm: exams
Well, here i am instead of revising. Well Id be where I am anyway if I was revising, but I should more say here I am using the computer. My life saver on many occasions- internet of course, dvds, mainly the contact aspect though.

Just felt the need to get a few things out there as such.

Basically feel completely confused about my life at the moment. I mean ok not about every aspect and I see some sense to it. (My life.) But, more what the hell to do after the summer!!!! It should be a fairly simple thing, as in I know that no decision is permenant and every decision will bring something useful or whatever. My decision is whether to stay longer in Vienna working in this Kindergarten or go back to England- London, where my best friends are, or Totnes even for a bit. I have already made one of those plus/minus point of every option lists, and thought about what I want now in my life and some things I maybe want in my future.

Its just so hard though. I guess the main issue is my feeling down. I feel down here a lot and miss my friends etc... I have some friends here, but seems more random and noone who I feel a really strong relationship with. (Though Im pretty good at talking about most things concerning my life with a lot of people.) But still not the same as my old friends as such. However, I am also aware that 'feeling down' is somehow part of my personality and that I felt it too in England. I guess it is just different feelings.

I feel very unconfident with the kids most of the time and very easily frustrated. My frustration quite often centres on the fact that I know how important it is with how you are with children, and having aims in my mind of what I'd like to help create... morally as much as intellectually wiht the children. (In a helping the world through the younger generation sense.) However, that is not to say that I dont value myself at all. I know I try hard and am at least always thinking about how to make things better. I know Im a good observer (though probbaly observing what I want to see!!!) and a hard worker. I spend a lot of time learning about the various topics that we talk about in the Kindergarten and take my study seriously. Even through my moments of boredom even with revision I have moments of great interest in what Im reading, and really want to observe it or put it into practice.

I feel I often make mistakes (some quite simple ones) when working with the materials, but at the same time know I am quite judgemental of myself and also experience some good times with the children when working with the Montessori materials. Those good times are worth a lot. I also know that even though especially at the moment I dont feel like Im giving it my all in the Kindergarten and other times when Im tired and some how fed up, that my boss says that she knows she can rely on me in many ways. She believes at least that Im doing a good or ok job most of the time. However, I guess I want to feel that I am doing that more, because I feel it is senseless to be doing a job that you only feel half good at. As in it would be better for someone else to do it and for me to find something that really is my thing and that I am really good at. (However, whether I will feel that I am really good at it or not is another question.)

Anyway, ok, work and a general feeling of not being settled here- no romance in my life also being a strong factor there, are why I want to leave. I also however think its good that I at least finish my teaching practice bit (the last bit of my qualification) before deciding on whether I am cut out to be a good Montessori Kindergarten teacher. I know there are other things Im interested in and would like to try some time. Things that are combinations of what Ive done already, but am not quite clear about those and at the moment dont need to be doing anything else, there is still time in the future whether I like being a Montessori teacher or not...

I do appreciate things here. The country is nice and Vienna is a great city- always stuff going on (that I often am too lazy to find out what) and though the winter is very very long, when the summer comes it is a delight... I love cycling to work and around. But is that enough???

Ok you could say stay another year and see how it is, (its easy to carry on my ualification here.) but I have kind of done that all of the nearly 4 other years I have been here, and have not created a really good reason to stay on a long term basis, and in that case why wait and in a sense waste some time that I could be getting to know somewhere else and some other people. I like to travel, but also need a home as such. A base. I think everyone kind of does.

But then Im also scared of leaving here, and I guess seeing whats back in London or Totnes for me. London is not a city I love... although of course have a certain amount of affection for it. The rushhour etc is not so great or the feeling of being unsafe in the evening/night. But of course Ive lived there and enjoyed it too and my friends are there. Though I have to be aware I would not be seeing them as much as I do when I go and visit- that is a like an intense nice time. I would also hope that I would be able to develop as a person there.... Like not go backwards.

Totnes is tricky... I had a rough time there as such. My dreams of how exciting it would be to move to a new place aged 12, were shattered or so it seems, but finding it hard to settle in and again not find those same qualities of friendships I had left behind as such. Of course I know nobody is perfect, but I really value friends a lot more since various moves!!!! Also later on there my mother died, when I had alreadty left home, but for me kind of encouraged my idea that it was not a healthy place to be and that my mother was also ill partly because she was not so happy or settled there. I know she was not very happy there at least. I also feel the guilt of not having helped her more in her last months and know she would have wanted it. I was somehow again scared and caught up with my life and security of the world of Larche. (Also to be disapointed when they didnt manage to help me much through my grieving time.)

However, and there is a however, I did always kind of have the feeling that it was not such a bad place to be as in there were interesting things going on there, lots of vegetarians and alternative things... which I kind of respect, and that I just neevr really got in with anyone who had anything to do with it. My dad and sister are still there, and some part of me would like to kind of heal the wounds of the past and also spend some more time with them. Plus there is something evenso quite relaxing about being in my ols room amoung my old things... kind of less responsibility or something, in the role of a kid again! I know that would not be healthy for a long time and yes would not want to feel any worse by being there...

I guess at the heart of what I want for me now... as well as the practical thing of wanting to carry on my training. (Anther thing about that though was that it really depressed and tired me when I tried the teaching practice in the autumn term and made me more do less and so therefore not create so much of a life for me here.) Ok, what I want is to be able to develop myself etc... work on my feeling down... finding out how much it is related to physical things and also of course emotional things... so i guess some form of therapy or at least doing some interesting courses. (connected with spirituality/psychology/creativity.) Of course I need time for that. But am aware that I dont want to waste my life not spending enough time appreciating the present and what I do have etc... Sometimes I manage to do that, but often I forget to!

I also really really want to experience a romantic relationship. I dont care what people say about it wont help everything and brings ore problems and if you are looking for it then you wont find it, but why not admit that I want one. I even dont think that I would be as 'bad' as I would have been when younger. As in I dont see it as a cure to all things and certainly respect my freedom. (Freedom is something else I want to feel more... Hate feeling trapped even if there is no reason to be.) So is not like I am planning on anything in particular, just want to experience it ... and of course with someone I like... Here I have to deal every day with unrequited love (of one person.) which is sometimes ok, mostly not. But I know might have to deal with that anywhere... But here I dont naturally meet lots of new people, even to get to know....

Ok, thats me for now... Might leave this unlocked for a bit, and need to get ready to go out. I phoned my boss... felt a bit guilty because dont want to like make myself I dont know like well dont want to be more guilty if I do leave, and at the same time dont want to mess with her emotions and sense of duty. She has enough to do and know that it must be hard to trust someone fully, as in that they will stay and well I have demanded a lot of her emotionally in the past which I feel guilty about if I leave, when I know she wants me to stay. Though Im not convinced that that alone will make me a better teacher or a happier one... But I am thankful in some way for things... I know though at least that I have given a lot too and so is not just one sided.... But anyway, phoned her to ask if she was going to the Kindergarten because wanted to talk about the exam a bit, cause have noone else who I can with and she is of course very clever!!! I know she wants her last time with her daughter before she goes back to Uni and so I was just asking if she was going to the Kindergarten and if she had time. She agreed and so Ill go. Ill probably say again that I have not made my decision because dont want to be false. Not that I am but like to be honest I guess and not play games... Like help me a lot now and I might stay.... Ok... going to eat and get ready.... Ive spent too long on this!!!! But needed to get it out there and i guess might in some way help me with my revision...

I nearly forgot though... still need to decide very soon at some point...

Lots of love to everyone who reads this, from me.

I would like to see how another Kindergarten functions though... I can not judge my profession and Montessori on just this one Kindergarten. Thoigh Im aware in many ways of the good standard it has.

20th September 2004

8:52pm: dates are wrong
hey, why does it say that the entry before the one i wrote today was on the 19th, the 19th was yesterday and i didn't write anything yesterday because i was here, ot was sat the 18th, which means they are all wrong because it has another diary entry on the 18th.... weird... today is the 20th though...

3rd August 2004

9:32pm: london
Well I am here in London again, not again for this journal but again for me. I thought that I might not write as much after all those entries, and guess it was true. I guess i have had a lot ot say and a lot of feelings etc, but of course if I try and think of any at this moment then it will be hard.

Have finished work for the summer holiday now. Finished last wednesday and then went to Prague for a couple of days with Eva. Was nice, but was not like I was impressed by much in that have seen buildings like there are there in Vienna and Budapest... I guess maybe I should take more time to appreciate the details and stuff but I am not that patient in that sense, i guess i kind of rush around things, even when i am in galleries etc... and buildings etc are not the most important things in life. Although they are quite good actually, i do care about them and i do appreciate the atmosphere they create and I notice the differnce between buildings and the feeling they create already now that i am here again. I was of course more thinking about things in life etc, as holidays often are, times for reflection etc... I always notice that I start to get imaptient to be somewhere else when i am there and am already thinking about coming home to normal life and sutff and sorting out any situations, epecially when i am not with best friends as such... I was however quite relaxed for me, but then knew that it was only going to be a couple of days....

I started to try and eat a bit more healthily since going to Prague because seem to have been getting more obsessed with my eating, more as time goes by. I was always talking about my weight a lot and stuff but feel that in the past year especially it has really increased. (The amount of time and energy i spend on talking and worrying about it.) Usually it has not stopped me from eating, but was feeling like was really well somehow getting worse in my mind, and there were loads of cakes and stuff in the past few weeks for some reason. It is when i notice myself squeezing into my clothes that i feel bad. I was feeling that way. I was doing ok, but in the past couple of days was better. Today however have just eaten a whole load of pizza and chocolate. I know it is a stupid thing to be obsessed with and causes so many problems in this life etc, but some how can not help it. (I don't mean stupid in that it is stupid when people are obsessed with it. I completely see why, just when i look at it as a topic and wish that i was not, because it is such a common thing and should be able to recognise that and somehow stop being obsessed because it is not worth it. Guess you need to feel good about yourself to stop thinking about it.)

Anyway, had better go, cause want to talk to liz and stuff seeing as I am here, can write more tomorrow in Devon or something... I can also say that i have told the person i liked that i like him. feel like i can say it becasue I have told him if you see what I mean... (Although have told a few people...) anyway, will write more about it later. just to say that it was not easy at all to say it, but was just too much in my head. however did not really get a response in a positive or negative way and so though i should take it negatively cause if he felt something guess he would have said, can not forget it or move or whatever because it still does not seem completely negative, but then that is of course what i would want to think.... will write more anyway.... bye for now... sarah

10th June 2004

11:22am: hail
Just to say, that yesterday was the play of the other house where I work. It was so hot during the day when our house had an outing and then just as they were about to start performing the play, it started to pelt down with rain and stopped for a few moments and then it started again and started to hail! They were really big hail stones! It lasted altogether for a couple of hours. Have never before seen such weather, though it was also in some way not so weird. Probably all to do with global warming...

8th June 2004

9:40pm: summer has come!
Yes, summer has come! Well, it is here for the moment anyway. Today was definately the hottest day I have experienced this year. It was nice actually and somehow did not seem too much. Have now bought some Weleda suncream, which will hopefully last me the summer. Was trying to see if I could cut down on how much money I spend each week, such as when thinking about next year and having a more expensive flat, like maybe twice as expensive and wondering whether I can afford that and afford to save.

(Next is a paragraph just about money, so skip that one if you are reading it and you don't like gabble... though in that case you may as well skip everything that I write!)

However, I see how the money goes. I bought that and some toothpast and it was nearly 20 euros and then I went to dm, and bought a baby toy for a friend in England who has just had a baby, and then also decided to by some body oil, to stop my body from getting dry... and again that was 10 euros. I then bought some pizza (2 because I didn't have a chance to go home. I then bought some juice and some chocolate for the work colleague and daughter who I am going to go for supper with on thursday. I also got some juice for myself, and a euros 40 cents.) different chocolate for my friend who has had the baby, and that was another 5 euros. Then bought two postcards, one for the friend with the baby and one for my cousin who has a birthday. That was another 2 euros. That makes about 40 euros in a day. Have already spent about 20 euros on food this week. You may say that some of those things do not happen all of the time and like suncream I should only need once, but that is what i say every week and then every week comes something new that i really must buy! And it is only tuesday!!! What shall I do??? Getting a bit panicked aboht meny I must say. Think of how I will also need to pay for flights and the choir and belly dancing regularly. It is all money..... :(

Anyway, today was ok at work again. I have to say that the last two weeks and two days, which is since I have been in the language room (For the second time since starting work there.) have been my best weeks since I started work. Apart from the first few weeks, which i really enjoyed, getting to know the new children in the Practical Life room. But today for example I think i had for the first time in my life a child coming into the room (Was even before 8:30) and saying in a really enthusiastic tone. 'I want to do some letters!' His friend came as well and she did something else, but they even talked English together. (They usually talk German together most of the time.) Then another of the children, and older one who I had not managed to pesuade to do anything before, came and did the Large Moveable Alphabet and then wrote the words and then read 5 books. (Though pretty sure she had read them before!) I realise that it only takes one child or maybe two to do something, well happily for me to feel good about the day. I think they can tell that i am more relaxed in there than have been before... which I am... Even lunch time does not seem as stressful as it did before. Will have to touch wood, but again need to record the good moments.

Am feeling quite tired though, and sunday night and yesterday was feeling a bit down. I felt moody in the end of yesterday. Think it is connected to the amount of things to do on my things to do list. Also because my boss is not sure about whether I can have holiday in July. I was hoping to because I ma doing a course in the summer which means that i miss a week of my 'holiday', and will be travelling back to England for nearly a couple of weeks before that, to see family and friends, but really want to go somewhere else as well, seeing as I am in the middle of Europe. I do not blame my boss because there are not many options in July, but is just I guess something I feel I really want, at least a couple of days. I will ask again anyway...

But yes, was feeling quite down. Think I was wondering again whether I have made the right decision. I think that I have, but is hard to tell of course and with hoping i can find somewhere nice and not too expensive to live... Going to see the flat of Anita's friend on friday, which is kind of expensive, but apparetnly really nice, and well placed for work...

Anyway, better go and shower and think about things! (Or try not to!)

6th June 2004

9:09pm: hmmm
now the end of the weekend and have to say that feeling down. Was feeling ok or maybe trying to feel ok for most of the weekend. Maybe it is just the evening and the feeling of the end of the weekend, but do not think it is just so. hate it when this happens, because it is like the feeling comes over you and there is nothing you can do about it. It is not really thing that you can write about, but of course i am trying, because well i am by the computer and wanted to write something. I know of course some contributing factors, but to know that still does not help.

Just went to the cinema again. This time saw Harry Potter 3 and it was not that good, but had wanted to see it all the same! Met my flatmates for that. Managed to finish one assignment earlier which felt really good and was chatting on messenger to a couple of friends, which was also nice. But it is like I come back here after the cinema and something is not right or something is missing... anyway, that is all for now...

5th June 2004

11:14pm: late
tired, but still somehow full of energy of things that i need to do. Feeling a bit rushed in some way, but also feeling in a way quite relaxed... Have a possible possibilty of a flat, but have not seen it or do not know whether i can really have it or not... have just booked my flights to london for the summer, (realised how expensive they already are and so have booked on Ryan air...) thinking about doing another German exam with Asia, but am not sure because do not think i am up to it, and could just be another stress, then again if flat goes ok and i get my essays done, would be a good qualification to have! Did most of my essay which i started on the train, which feels good... also been the cinema.... still other certain things that need to be sorted in some way, but tired now though so will leave the journal for here... night
7:35am: early
just started writing something and seemed to close this window down, never mind. I shall start again. Bit tired, cause well feel tired but could not sleep any longer, could not sleep well at all and so just decided to get up. Have a very long list of things to do (Which is sitting right next to me at the moment) and a few things on my mind, so think that could be a reason why. It's one of those lists when you can not imagine getting it all done., but need to, not just to get it done but to be able to relax. However, have had similarish lists before and so hope those one will gradually go away. Will make an effort to get rid if most of the things by next week! Seems like a lot of things are coming up as well... In bit of a dreamy state, so just hope my brain is working enough to write some of my assignment. Leaving the one for now and going straight onto another one.

Had our Kindergarten play yesterday, and it went well I think. However, that was not one of the main pressures on my mind... Anyway can tell I am not writing anything useful here, so will try and write something a bit more useful in my assignment.

Bye for now....

2nd June 2004

9:22pm: walk
been on computer all evening, going to take an evening walk. Have got a bit of my coursework done though so happy bout that. Will see about the quality of it later! Work was ok.

1st June 2004

9:41pm: Mühltroff
Just back, well a few hours ago, back from my trip to Germany to see my friends and their 5 month old baby! It was really nice and relaxing, to be away of course from the everyday life. Did some study on the train journey there and back, but when was there didn't do any which felt good!! It is just a small town, but managed to do a few things, like eat a lot of cake which was given to the family, a few barbeques and walks. Didn't go on the computer once, and only turned my phone on once a day to check for messages, but did not write any, and so was also peaceful in that way. It is just always good to feel that you have no pressures to do anything or make contact with anybody, and so could really enjoy the time with them and a couple of other friends who were there for some of the time. The baby was so nice and friendly to new faces. Even babysat a couple of times for nearly an hour each time! So, relaxed (apart from a bad back) and ready for life here again. Also realised as was coming back into Austria on the train that had actually missed the country a bit, and it's differences from Germany... Which I guess is also a nice feeling to have. Will write more another time. Have been thinking that too much time on the computer is one reason for my not sleeping so well before going away....

Only bad thing there is that they have Ticks there as well, and now am imagining them all over my body. Thought I had one in the middle of my back where could not even see properly in the mirror, but am guessing it is just a figment of my can be very paranoid nature!! (Hopefully!!) Also had a bad dream about them and other stressful things last night!

Bye for now...

26th May 2004

10:41pm: didn't
didn't do my chores or essay, but did have a nice chat with a few different people over the internet :) should make the most of chances od communication and will just have to do everything tomorrow!!! and pack.... night everyone... sleep well...
6:58pm: happy
Hello again,

Happy. I am not sure whether it will be a short lived happiness, but I am going to make the most of the feeling all the same. I am not going to say why at this point but anyway. I just went to a work colleague's flat and got some cheap furniture for my new flat which I will some day get. I got an open hanging rail (which can be used as a wardrobe.) a mirror and also a coffee table. All for 10 euros, which is really good. I also heard from my boss that i can have some of their furniture when I get somewhere, because they do not need it anymore. Another work colleage has also said that I can have a chester drawers and a book shelf, so feeling quite good about that. Now I just need to find a flat! I have to start looking really, because have not really properly started. Work was also ok again today. Very busy and a bit too much to keep and eye on and could not really give the kids the 1:1 attention that they needed at certain points. However, happy with how it went. Looking foreards to the weekend as well, when I am going to see some friends in Germany. So at the moment feel ok. Don't want to tempt fate though, cause know hoe easy it can go the other way...

Now should do some chores and my assignment.... :(

Bye for now...

25th May 2004

10:02pm: Concert in Schönbrunn
Just watching the concert in Schönbrunn on the tv. Was thinking of going cause know a couple of people who are going. However, had my choir and so went there and then wanted to come home afterwards. It was worth it though, really like the choir. At least I can watch it on the tv! Took me ages again to get to sleep last night, though I went later and so guess it does not matter when I go tobed. Probably earlier is better.

Work was ok again. More invitations and did the LMA with a couple of kids, which felt good. Again felt ok with the kids, like ysterday. It is never perfect but at least I know when it feels better than normal.

Struck me when travelling back on the Ubahn, (Here comes the corny bit...) what a difference it makes to experience someone smiling in a friendly way when you come to sit down (usually) opposite them. Again makes me realise how rarely that happens and also probably how rarely i also do it other people. It is the kind of thing which can make your day. Like when people wait for you to go first. Should be normal, but of course it isn't.

Anyway think that is all for tonight... will of course write again if I think of anything else. Hope tomorrow will be ok as well.

24th May 2004

11:07pm: bit tired
feeling a bit tired now and so will try and get some sleep.... just felt like writing that.... still certain things on my mind but that is the way it will have to be... night
10:09pm: belly dancing and work
Just got back from my belly dancing class. Was good as ever. Before I go I am always thinking, can I be bothered to go out etc, but then of course always like it and am glad I have been. It is the same with my beginners choir. Well Liz is gone now. However, this is the first time that I have had some time alone since. I was at work, and Liz came there to see it and say bye. I then met another friend straight afterwards, because she has also been away and she gave me a ring. She came here for a bit and then I went to Belly dancing.

Feeling ok at the moment, not tired yet though, which would like to be, but last night I went to bed at this time and then could not get to sleep for ages, and so will just wait until I am a bit tireder.

Work bit coming next...

Work was ok today. Was helping the children to make their invitations for the summer play which is one next week and so did not have to worry about whether children were coming in me giving proper presentations of the materials. I know that I want to be able to do it and am not trying to avoid it, but I seem to be somehow still somehow strangely stressed by it all. (And of course I think the kids can sense that as well and therefore adds to it.) I always have so many questions still about the materials and what to do in certain situations. This morning I already had in my head the question of what I should do if the child does not trace a sandpaper letter in the right way, and I know that I have asked this question already at least 2 times! I am in the language room at the moment and will be there for the next 3 weeks, before moving to another room. I have been in the room once before.

I am also not doing circle time at the moment, which is another thing that makes me feel relaxed. It is again something that I want to do, well want to be able to do well and am still in awe of the other teachers when they do it. The children seem to be sitting so quietly and relaxed and enjoy it and stuff and the teachers do good stuff with them. Again I know it is related to a psychological thing, and again even if I am trying to be relaxed I guess the kids know that i am not in some way! However, I will be grateful that there was nothing bad about the day. I felt like all of my moments with the children today were ok. I think I managed to relate to them ok, which is something that I also judge my day on. Also had no times when I asked them to be quiet. That is of course my other main thing... that I can not get them to be quiet as I should. Of course I think that all the other teachers can! (I expect that is of no surprise to you!) Think I should try and find some other teacher's journals here on livejournal, cause that might help me. I have decided to stay longer here though and have this psychological feeling that next year will be much better! I wish I had written all of my teaching thoughts down, cause would like to see them and see how I have changed and stuff. Guess it is never too late...

Okay that is all for now. Might write some more tomorrow or some other time, whenever...

23rd May 2004

6:29pm: sachertorte and stadtpark
know i am a bit obsessed with this at the moment, but this (journal) is for me (and anyone who wants) and so i will do what i like or write when i like! just had a nice walk into town and we had a sachertorte and a cappuccino in Cafe Alt Wien, don't usually drink coffee but just felt like it. Then went for another walk this time through Stadt Park, is raining and cold though now. Feeling a bit weird as in a bit ill but not really ill. Ears also a bit funny, feel blocked and like they could start to hurt. (But bot too bad at mo.) Was a nice walk and a talk. Feeling somehow a bit more relaxed about things now, like even about going back to work tomorrow, though still a bit scared about how it will go. We were talking about loving yourself and also how I particularly am too busy about worrying about what is coming next or thinking about things when I should just be living in the present time... know that is a common thing of a lot of people, and is nothing new to realise but sometimes just seems to hard to do. If I have something in my mind then it just stays until it is somehow sorted for one way or the other. There is of course something particular in my mind. I guess it is better than when i was young when I just used to worry about things that were not even an issue, like almost every night thinking about what if i got ill in the night and never woke up! Actually maybe my things are not an issue now and I am just thinking I have got better, but do think i have got better. Am definitely more positive than in the past. Am worried about my worrying though...

P.S. Want to remember that when walking down the streets etc that am often thinking in german or at least trying to put phrases together in my head. I just do it naturally. Think it is probably because I am speaking English all day long, and so my brain is trying to balance it with living in a German speaking place. It feel nice though to know that my mind is trying to keep up the German.
1:11pm: Its raining its pouring...
We are back in the flat after not too an eventful morning. Wanted to go to the graveyard of the nameless people, (Well Liz did.) but it is long way away and when we got to the bus stop realised the buses only go once and hour and it was pouring with rain so decided to go to my place to get some more of my stuff, because I decided that I would be staying here for the next three weeks, rather than just popping in as I had thought. Think it will be good to se how it is by myself and have got all my study notes, so I can do my study here as well.... (in theory...)

Was feeling a bit down last night, again just thinking about the point of different things. Then had a stressful dream again. Could remember some more in the morning, but nothing much now! Was still a bit down this morning, think because the weather was bad. Also just keep thinking of when there is a point to pursue something or when to just leave it. I know that sounds a bit what do you call it, when something is not clearly expressed, can't think for now... but you know what I mean. Sometimes I think you should leave things to take their natural course and stuff because you can't make things happen, but then there are times when I think you also need to take an active role in your life or whatever, and it something about just getting the balance and knowing which of the courses to follow for each situation. It's like looking for all the reasons behind what happens. When yes there are sometimes meanings or whatever and sometimes just not... Getting more confusing now in my explanations, so will end.

Finished lunch and we were going to go out but things are a bit stressed between us now, we were taking turns, one of us was saying that we should go out while at the same time the other person was busy doing something and then reversed, Liz is now lying down and so we will see...

22nd May 2004

7:23pm: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Just got back from the Kino and a walk. Liz is starting to make the supper tonight so I have a few mins. Quite liked the film. Of course makes me think about things, like with most people when they go to the cinema I guess. I have to say though that I often have a more depressive mood when I come out of the cinema, even if it is funny film. Just feel strange afterwards. This time, didn't really know what i felt like doing. We were thinking of what we could do later and tomorow, but there was just a feeling of there not really being anything that I wanted to do... if you see what I mean. I guess that is just a feeling for a certain time, but... just thought I would say anyway. I guess it is also linked to a mild feeling that there is something somewhere missing. (It is also connected with the point of things in life.) I could guess at a few

Stopped mid sentence to help Liz make the supper. Got to go again... just turned the oven on... got to go again to find a tin opener... helped a bit more, now its nearly an hour since the time above, not that that really matters! Now got to get another plaster for Liz, wll be back again... back... there's probably nothing else to say now anyway, was just gabbling about a mild feeling of there being something missing. I know one thing that I feel is missing, but that is a predictable thing and I know that that in itself does not suddenly make everything all right :) Still don't want to talk about that topic out loud, so will say bye for now... and maybe good night....
2:36pm: Kunsthistoriches Museum
Just got back to the flat after a walk down to and around the Kunsthistoriches Museum. Spent longer than I thought we would there. Liz wanted to go there. The audio guides were free (After getting the tickets!) and so we got a bit obsessed with listening to the descriptions of the paintings and by the end finding a sofa to sit on in the right position to listen and look at pictures- they were mainly paintings from the Renaissance. Tried to remember what I learnt in history about that time, I couldn't remember much, but luckily the audio guides could tell us.

Just had lunch as well and are going to see 'The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' (If that is the correct name.) Spoke to Tessie on the phone and she said it was good, but not funny.

Liz and I are snapping at each other all of the time, which is not something new, in fact it is part of our friendship, but well... Feeling a bit strange already about when she goes and well I find it always hard, to change between different lives as such. Although feel a bit weird anyway now, had a stressful dream last night (Which is not so strange, but...) know that going back to normal as such will bring more thoughts and questions back into my mind again. However, at the moment I will stop writing and actually live the time now rather than just writing about it all of the time! I am also glad also in some way when things go back to 'normal'. (Its too addictive the thing of writing this journal...)

21st May 2004

10:22pm: walk in vienna
Just come back from a nearly 2 hour walk through vienna with Liz, was really refreshing cause was (Just eating a bit of a milka bunny which I bought for Liz as a present, even though was determined to not eat anything, cause still full up1!) (Liz just said that I don't need to say everything, and guess she is right.) anyway was a nice temperature and raining a little bit. Walked down to the Museum's Quatier where they have the large pictures of differnt places on earth, and then through the centre and around the other side up past the Uni and where Liz used to live when she was here. Feel a bit better now I have been out of the flat for some exercise. Just feel like i can walk for ages. (Although I am not the most sporty person.) We just reminisced (Can't spell) about last year when she lived here and also our first holiday here with Lizzie. (Well that is mainly me, who is obsessed with remembering details of things like holidays like this one which was over 4 years ago!)

This might be the last entry of the day and so will say goodnight for now!
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