Just felt the need to get a few things out there as such.
Basically feel completely confused about my life at the moment. I mean ok not about every aspect and I see some sense to it. (My life.) But, more what the hell to do after the summer!!!! It should be a fairly simple thing, as in I know that no decision is permenant and every decision will bring something useful or whatever. My decision is whether to stay longer in Vienna working in this Kindergarten or go back to England- London, where my best friends are, or Totnes even for a bit. I have already made one of those plus/minus point of every option lists, and thought about what I want now in my life and some things I maybe want in my future.
Its just so hard though. I guess the main issue is my feeling down. I feel down here a lot and miss my friends etc... I have some friends here, but seems more random and noone who I feel a really strong relationship with. (Though Im pretty good at talking about most things concerning my life with a lot of people.) But still not the same as my old friends as such. However, I am also aware that 'feeling down' is somehow part of my personality and that I felt it too in England. I guess it is just different feelings.
I feel very unconfident with the kids most of the time and very easily frustrated. My frustration quite often centres on the fact that I know how important it is with how you are with children, and having aims in my mind of what I'd like to help create... morally as much as intellectually wiht the children. (In a helping the world through the younger generation sense.) However, that is not to say that I dont value myself at all. I know I try hard and am at least always thinking about how to make things better. I know Im a good observer (though probbaly observing what I want to see!!!) and a hard worker. I spend a lot of time learning about the various topics that we talk about in the Kindergarten and take my study seriously. Even through my moments of boredom even with revision I have moments of great interest in what Im reading, and really want to observe it or put it into practice.
I feel I often make mistakes (some quite simple ones) when working with the materials, but at the same time know I am quite judgemental of myself and also experience some good times with the children when working with the Montessori materials. Those good times are worth a lot. I also know that even though especially at the moment I dont feel like Im giving it my all in the Kindergarten and other times when Im tired and some how fed up, that my boss says that she knows she can rely on me in many ways. She believes at least that Im doing a good or ok job most of the time. However, I guess I want to feel that I am doing that more, because I feel it is senseless to be doing a job that you only feel half good at. As in it would be better for someone else to do it and for me to find something that really is my thing and that I am really good at. (However, whether I will feel that I am really good at it or not is another question.)
Anyway, ok, work and a general feeling of not being settled here- no romance in my life also being a strong factor there, are why I want to leave. I also however think its good that I at least finish my teaching practice bit (the last bit of my qualification) before deciding on whether I am cut out to be a good Montessori Kindergarten teacher. I know there are other things Im interested in and would like to try some time. Things that are combinations of what Ive done already, but am not quite clear about those and at the moment dont need to be doing anything else, there is still time in the future whether I like being a Montessori teacher or not...
I do appreciate things here. The country is nice and Vienna is a great city- always stuff going on (that I often am too lazy to find out what) and though the winter is very very long, when the summer comes it is a delight... I love cycling to work and around. But is that enough???
Ok you could say stay another year and see how it is, (its easy to carry on my ualification here.) but I have kind of done that all of the nearly 4 other years I have been here, and have not created a really good reason to stay on a long term basis, and in that case why wait and in a sense waste some time that I could be getting to know somewhere else and some other people. I like to travel, but also need a home as such. A base. I think everyone kind of does.
But then Im also scared of leaving here, and I guess seeing whats back in London or Totnes for me. London is not a city I love... although of course have a certain amount of affection for it. The rushhour etc is not so great or the feeling of being unsafe in the evening/night. But of course Ive lived there and enjoyed it too and my friends are there. Though I have to be aware I would not be seeing them as much as I do when I go and visit- that is a like an intense nice time. I would also hope that I would be able to develop as a person there.... Like not go backwards.
Totnes is tricky... I had a rough time there as such. My dreams of how exciting it would be to move to a new place aged 12, were shattered or so it seems, but finding it hard to settle in and again not find those same qualities of friendships I had left behind as such. Of course I know nobody is perfect, but I really value friends a lot more since various moves!!!! Also later on there my mother died, when I had alreadty left home, but for me kind of encouraged my idea that it was not a healthy place to be and that my mother was also ill partly because she was not so happy or settled there. I know she was not very happy there at least. I also feel the guilt of not having helped her more in her last months and know she would have wanted it. I was somehow again scared and caught up with my life and security of the world of Larche. (Also to be disapointed when they didnt manage to help me much through my grieving time.)
However, and there is a however, I did always kind of have the feeling that it was not such a bad place to be as in there were interesting things going on there, lots of vegetarians and alternative things... which I kind of respect, and that I just neevr really got in with anyone who had anything to do with it. My dad and sister are still there, and some part of me would like to kind of heal the wounds of the past and also spend some more time with them. Plus there is something evenso quite relaxing about being in my ols room amoung my old things... kind of less responsibility or something, in the role of a kid again! I know that would not be healthy for a long time and yes would not want to feel any worse by being there...
I guess at the heart of what I want for me now... as well as the practical thing of wanting to carry on my training. (Anther thing about that though was that it really depressed and tired me when I tried the teaching practice in the autumn term and made me more do less and so therefore not create so much of a life for me here.) Ok, what I want is to be able to develop myself etc... work on my feeling down... finding out how much it is related to physical things and also of course emotional things... so i guess some form of therapy or at least doing some interesting courses. (connected with spirituality/psychology/creativity.) Of course I need time for that. But am aware that I dont want to waste my life not spending enough time appreciating the present and what I do have etc... Sometimes I manage to do that, but often I forget to!
I also really really want to experience a romantic relationship. I dont care what people say about it wont help everything and brings ore problems and if you are looking for it then you wont find it, but why not admit that I want one. I even dont think that I would be as 'bad' as I would have been when younger. As in I dont see it as a cure to all things and certainly respect my freedom. (Freedom is something else I want to feel more... Hate feeling trapped even if there is no reason to be.) So is not like I am planning on anything in particular, just want to experience it ... and of course with someone I like... Here I have to deal every day with unrequited love (of one person.) which is sometimes ok, mostly not. But I know might have to deal with that anywhere... But here I dont naturally meet lots of new people, even to get to know....
Ok, thats me for now... Might leave this unlocked for a bit, and need to get ready to go out. I phoned my boss... felt a bit guilty because dont want to like make myself I dont know like well dont want to be more guilty if I do leave, and at the same time dont want to mess with her emotions and sense of duty. She has enough to do and know that it must be hard to trust someone fully, as in that they will stay and well I have demanded a lot of her emotionally in the past which I feel guilty about if I leave, when I know she wants me to stay. Though Im not convinced that that alone will make me a better teacher or a happier one... But I am thankful in some way for things... I know though at least that I have given a lot too and so is not just one sided.... But anyway, phoned her to ask if she was going to the Kindergarten because wanted to talk about the exam a bit, cause have noone else who I can with and she is of course very clever!!! I know she wants her last time with her daughter before she goes back to Uni and so I was just asking if she was going to the Kindergarten and if she had time. She agreed and so Ill go. Ill probably say again that I have not made my decision because dont want to be false. Not that I am but like to be honest I guess and not play games... Like help me a lot now and I might stay.... Ok... going to eat and get ready.... Ive spent too long on this!!!! But needed to get it out there and i guess might in some way help me with my revision...
I nearly forgot though... still need to decide very soon at some point...
Lots of love to everyone who reads this, from me.
I would like to see how another Kindergarten functions though... I can not judge my profession and Montessori on just this one Kindergarten. Thoigh Im aware in many ways of the good standard it has.